I wanted to continue keeping this blog to keep Hogmany alive.
She died 10/26/2010. I can't say how, but she was still warm when I found her. I called 911 who transferred me to the Pasadena Humane Society and someone said they would call me back. I didn't hear back from them right away and figured there was nothing they could do anyway so I drove to the animal emergency room immediately after that. They had a look at her in the back and came out to say she was already gone.
I miss her and think of her everyday.
I haven't told my parents, but I almost lost my own life on 1/21/2012. I went SCUBA diving in Guam to see the SMS Cormoran from WWI and the Tokai Maru from WW2 wrecks. The 2nd dive, barely any air was going through my regulator, all I felt was CO2 buildup, so I wanted to end the dive and ascend. I was thinking nothing feels worse than getting no oxygen. Well just as I was thinking this and ascending, copious amounts of water passed through the regulator, which is worse than getting no oxygen. I just kept sucking water into my lungs. It felt like forever and all I could think about was that I was glad I called my mom to tell her my plans of diving that morning. And that if I didn't make it, maybe I will be reunited with Hogmany at the Bridge. I wondered if this was what my dog experienced- he was found in the Resaca when my dad's coworker was supposed to be taking care of him Christmas 2007. And that if so, then it was something I could take; it was something I deserved for letting that happen to him; then maybe I can tell him how sorry I was and that I love him so much at the Bridge. If I could just see him again, I can stop hating my dad and his work and everything. I wondered where Carlos, the boat staff was. He said he was going to be right next to me. I wondered why my dive buddies weren't helping. Were they watching helpless or had they gone up thinking I was with them?
We had just seen a water safety video and now I am like the guy that drowned? The guy whose whole life flashed before his eyes, thinking of his family, his wife and kids? Why wasn't I thinking of mine? I guess because I don't know them too well. I did think of all the pets I had. I love animals and my parents hate them. I wanted my dad's approval of my dog so badly that I named him Whiskie. My dad loves to drink and he loves whisky, but it did not work. He continued drinking and disapproved of my dog. I was told my dog died 12/31/2007 on Christmas, my rabbit died 5/3/2010, Hogmany died 10/26/10 and my hamster died 2/22/11. I guess it was my turn now.
Not too long ago, back in November 2011, around Veteran's Day weekend, my dad kept calling to tell my sister and me how under-appreciated he felt and that he was going to go away and he would never be a bother to anyone ever again. We couldn't hear too well because we were in line at Knott's Berry Farm and the rides on the tracks and the screams were very loud. We got out of line to find a quiet place so we could hear him better. He turned his phone off and we weren't able to reach him for the rest of the day. Well the next day I got the courage to call him and apparently he was ok after all. I don't understand why he acted the way he did. It was....still is...his choice not to live with his family.
So it is a bit ironic that he phoned us to tell us that 2 months prior that he would disappear from the world and there I was below the sea unable to breathe.
I told myself I had no regrets. While life wasn't perfect, I did everything I've always wanted to do. I love animals and I helped as much as I could at the Brownsville Animal Control Center. That was where I got Hogmany! I kept Hogmany but I also got a Husky mix and a Shepherd mix out and found them nice homes after keeping them for about 2 weeks...not all at the same time of course, but 2 weeks apart.
One of my proudest moments in life was getting the courage to leave Brownsville and along the way, took Lassie to New Mexico to be with her new family in Fort Collins, Colorado. That is a day I will never forget. I really wish I had acted and looked a little better that day though. I still remember what I wore: a bright blue shirt I got from a 5k run to fight against violence I did the month before with jeans that were too big for me. I lost a lot of weight from not eating after losing Whiskie. I let my hair grow long and did not bother to make it look nice at all. I wish instead of a strong handshake, I could have given Ron a huge thank you hug and ask him to give Tracy and the kids one for me too. I did not believe in hugs back then.
I wish I could have offered him some tea or coffee before we went our separate ways at least. But I felt dad's wary red eyes glaring from the corner of the parking lot and I worried to keep him waiting.
Hogmany was in the same car as Lassie and I know she hated every moment of it, with the A/C not working. But I'm sure all was forgiven once I dropped Lassie off safely with Ron and she adapted to her new home...with her gentle kneading on my tummy and sweet cat breaths on my nose and comforting purrs in my ear at night.....of course I had to lose her in less than 3 years after that.
Another moment I will never forget was quitting the last job I had in 2010 and taking the ALCON Highway all the way to Alaska. I was really inspired by Chris from Into the Wild; and while I am sure that many of the events were exaggerated or left out, I thought that maybe I could stop being my own prisoner and live off the land too. It didn't quite work out the way I would have liked, but I am really glad I got that a go too.
The following August, I went to Salvation Mountain and met Leonard Knight, just like Chris did in the movie! Recently though, Leonard got hospitalized and his friend Kevin died unexpectedly.
The last thing I did before leaving for Guam was camping out in Slab City on New Year's Eve. Open bands were playing on stage at The Range and someone was nice enough to lend me his guitar. I did Tears in Heaven. I said it was for Kevin Eubanks who recently died in the area, but inside I was thinking of Hogmany and everyone else close to me I lost. I did Shadow of the Day which I could only play with a capo on the 4th fret and because at first no one seemed to have one, a girl jumped up on stage and offered to be a human capo for me because she wanted me to continue playing...it was really an amazing moment!!
Other things- I got my MS, skydived, scuba dived, hanglided, joined the gym, joined the Reserves, carried on various civilian jobs. I played the piano; I played the guitar; I did open mic. I completed a manuscript.
It was going to be ok because I have already done everything on my list and more.
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple,
Sometimes goodbye's the only way.
Breathing in water instead of oxygen no longer felt like a million knives with each breath. I stopped struggling to ascend and let myself go. It felt good to relax finally even if I wouldn't be able to reach the top; breathing in water didn't hurt anymore...the next thing I know someone had finally come and got me out of the water in seconds.
I felt something clip onto my finger and someone saying that I only had 50% oxygen. After a few minutes, someone said that my skin color looked more normal. I turned to the side and coughed out salt water and kept getting that gagging reflex. They asked how I felt. I said that my throat hurt and my lungs burn. My head was also hurting. I felt nauseous.
When I opened my eyes, I recognized one of the divers. I think I also saw the father of my buddy. When I turned to the side to cough, someone rubbed my back and said everything was going to be ok. I heard someone ask if I was awake or knocked out and the diver said that I was; he could see my eyes fluttering behind my eyelids. I was too exhausted to keep them open. All I had was a banana and cornflakes. That was probably why I was so quickly drained of energy. I was afraid of throwing up if I ate. I think I threw up anyway, so it didn't matter.
Then the Coast Guard came. Because I was shivering someone ordered one person each to be on each side of me to keep me warm. I felt a blanket or maybe a jacket being thrown over me too. I don't know how my hands could be cold when the ambient air temperature is typically in the 80s. They said I was going to the dive chamber to get checked out.
After I got cleared from that, the ambulance took me to the Navy Hospital. I got admitted and had to stay overnight. My oxygen level only got up to 92%. A normal person is at least 98%, preferably 100%. They had me on IV in one arm and an oxygen tank in the other. They drew blood, once on each arm because they said they didn't get enough on just one. I think they tried to do my left arm first. Then my right wrist. Everyone was really nice to me. It is ironic that my parents were worried that if I joined the Navy they would never see me again. A few officers came to see me. I was too groggy to remember who they were exactly. Though at the NEX one of them was looking at me and asked if I remembered him. I read his nametag and I think it seemed familiar. I guess he was one of the officers that visited me. I was also told that the CO of the whole EAD Command visited me too. I wanted to tell him thanks when I saw him a few days later but I felt foolish for not even having remembered too well. Then the day passed, and I really wish I had at least was brave enough to salute and shake his hand. I left with a bruise on my left wrist though. I don't know if they drew blood from me there too or if someone grabbed me too hard. The bruise lasted for nearly 2 weeks.
The rental car I borrowed was at the dock. My XO moved it to the hospital but she didn't give me back the key. I should have asked for it before she left as my civilian clothes were in it. I don't know why they had to get my chief to take me back to the hotel. I was perfectly well after a whole day and night of bed rest. I wish they hadn't treated me that much of an invalid. It really made me feel even more insecure about myself.
I can't believe I'm still alive though. I still feel the same. I am going to the same job; my coworkers are the same; I eat the same type of food; my family is the same. Nothing has really changed. Yet I feel like something should be different. I don't know what.
It's a funny thing how you could be living one moment and the next you're in back of an ambulance. I don't know what to make of it all just yet.
